Zombie Mom
by Nelley0007
Summary: Take one Family: A dad, a kid and a bitchy mom. Add a zombie bite. Shake it all up and see what happens! Before all hell breaks loose with the Zombies!
1. Chapter 1

**Zombie Mom**

This is an original story by me (and will probably be about me). I apologize for any misrepresentations I may make about Outcasts, Jocks, Barbies, Rich Kids, Poor Kids, evil mothers, nice zombies or any combination therein.

**Chapter 1**

New town, new house, same old problems. Dad and I hadn't talked much since the move. We had our routine down to a science, so there wasn't much to say, really. Unpacking my room was a breeze. My room looks the same, whether we're in Sierra Nevada or Schenectady. Dad spent most of his time with the security system guys retrofitting the house. Does he ever notice it's hard to sell a house with bars all over the windows? At least they were common in our new neighborhood. We moved into our house a week ago, so I had plenty of time to scope out the town and find out enough to…not quite fit in, but _blend_. Dad knows how important it is to seem "normal."

I like to try to hang out before and after school, kinda in the shadows, before I actually start a new school. I like to see what everyone's wearing, what they're driving, who's kissing who, who's getting beat up, who's doing the beating…you know, recon. I don't want to show up all Emo if everyone's Retro Grunge. And I _definitely_ don't want to bring home someone who's "High Profile".

It was my 15th "First Day of School" since my freshman year. Even though I've got the New-Kid-in-Town thing down to a science, it still made my stomach all wiggy. Anyway, my first day went pretty much like I thought it would be. George Jefferson High was like every other school I'd gone to. Boredom wrapped in a big, hulking, grey, cinder block building. It even had the stank of disinfectant and teenage boy body spray (Hatchet? Blade? Machete?) . Completely fell into "Most Likely to Not Be Remembered" in my book.

I got my schedule from the office, nodding and groaning in all the right places about how much it must suck to have to move so much for my mom's "job." As usual, the secretary thought that a map of the school was burned onto my retinas. When I asked how to get to my first class, (one I was already 15 minutes late to, because she couldn't find me in their system. Like there was _**another**_ new kid starting school with 6 weeks left!) she pointed in a general "that way" direction and went back to her "Life of Fish" app on Spacebook.

Through much trial and error, I've found that most schools are laid out either North-South or East-West. "Huh" you ask? Easy. The main hallways either run in pretty much a North-South direction, or an East-West direction. I didn't have enough time to figure out which one this was, so I chose North-South.

I was SOOOO wrong!

I ended up wandering around the halls with the perfect "I'm lost, please help me!" look on my face until a janitor finally told me how to find my first class (which happened to be about 20 feet from the Spacebook freak's desk!). Before I entered the classroom, I took a deep breath, unzipped my book bag, and stumbled through the door. Classic entrance # 13 – "Clumsy Book Nerd." Works every time.

'It looks like our new student has arrived.'

A rumble of laughter went through the class. I numbly struggled to put my books back into my bag. I purposely forgot to zip the bag so that they all tumbled right back out. I gave the class my best, sheepish, "Aw, shucks, whadda you expect? I'm a nerd!" look and attempted to pick up the books again.

Usually, at this point, either the teacher or a good-natured, also nerdy, student helps me with my books and shows me to a desk far away from scissors and other pointy objects. I typically try to make eye contact with a student, but they don't always bite. This time I reeled in a good one.

A completely unremarkable boy scurried (yeah, scurried, like a roach) up the aisle and mumbled something like "l'll help ya" and started picking up my books. I made a big production of putting the books in my bag and zipped the zipper while rolling my eyes in my "aw, shucks" way. A few chuckles rippled through the room. Perfect.

My homeroom teacher (we'll call him Mr. Room) pointed to a desk near the empty desk left by the scuttling kid (yeah, he'll be Roach). 'Since you've already made a friend, no sense breaking you two up now,' Mr. Room said with a slight sneer. I'm seriously considering setting up a Parent/Teacher conference with him and Mom. We'll see….

But, I digress. After I took my seat, I asked Roach his name. "Roach," he mumbled, as he put his head down on his desk. I turned towards the front of the class and tried not to be too interested in the lump of a kid in the desk next to me. As I listened to Mr. Room drone on about the affects building canals had on ancient Rome, I carefully took stock of my fellow classmates. They broke down into the usual number of Jocks, Barbies, Rich Kids, Poor Kids and, my favorite, _Outcasts_. If this is how the whole school is, I may be able to stay through the end of the year…maybe.

The bell rang and everyone started for the door. Roach still had his head down. He wasn't asleep, just waiting. I wasn't sure why, so I waited, too. After about a minute, Roach quickly stood up, grabbed his stuff and scurried for the door. I had to hurry just to catch him.

'Where's the damn fire?' I asked as I practically ran after him.

'Gotta get to my next class and it's all the way across campus.'

'You should've thought of that sooner, don't you think?'

'I did. If I wait in homeroom, I don't…never mind.'

'You don't what? Melt, freeze, fart? What!?!?'

Roach stopped and busted out laughing. 'Fart? Gross!'

I started laughing, too. 'I don't know. You seemed all in a hurry, I thought maybe you had to fart and didn't want to do it around anyone. Seems logical, doesn't it?'

Roach laughed even harder. Tears were streaming down his face. Then…it happened…The Connection. WE BOTH FARTED! I couldn't have planned it better if I wanted to.

After the giggles died down, Roach looked at me and said 'Hey, don't you have another class?'

With all the recon and farting and laughing and scurrying, I had completely forgotten I was supposed to be a "normal" kid going to school.

'Yeah, it's in building 3, room 26. Not that I have a clue where that is.'

'It's near my next class. I'll show ya. If you give me your schedule, I'll draw you a map and show you the fastest routes to all your classes.'

Wow, weird and helpful. Not sure how to handle this one. He could be a good fit for Mom. But, then again, Dracula always needs his Renfield; Frankenstein his Igor. I could use a weird kid like this to help do some of the heavy lifting…literally. What the hell, worse comes to worse, if he didn't work out, he could meet Mom for dinner.

'Only if you promise you're not gonna stalk me or something; that's why I had to leave my last school,' I said in all seriousness. Roach's eyes got all big and he stammered 'Really?'

I looked at him and put on my most serious "Would I bullshiz you?" face and slowly said 'Nooooo' while nodding my head yes. Me and Roach busted out laughing all over again.

By this time, we were late to our next class. Roach started walking slowly in the direction he was headed in earlier.

'Mr. Room never said what your name was. Usually the kids who volunteer in the Front Office get a peek at the new kid's schedule and start the grapevine. That didn't happen when you came.'

'Alice….Alice Well.'

'Really? Like "All Is Well"? That's pretty lame.'

'Yeah, I know. It could've been worse. My mom's name is Ellen. My dad wanted to name me Sam. "Sam and Ellen…Salmonella." I'll take reassurance over food poisoning any day!'

I don't always have to break out the food poisoning joke when I throw out the fake name, but Roach seems kinda more "there" than the kids at my other schools. Gotta keep an eye on that. Might need to make dinner reservations.

Me and Roach walked in slow silence the rest of the way to my class. Roach stopped and held out his hand. I thought he wanted to kiss it, or something. After a couple of seconds, he frowned and said 'Schedule?' Damn, I had forgotten about the map. Man, I hate "First Day of School." I handed Roach my schedule with a stern warning that he better be standing outside my door after class, or there would be Hell to pay. Really.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

When the bell rang at the end of my second class, I was the first one out the door. Roach was standing on the other side of the hall, holding my schedule in front of him like a shield against the rising tide of kids. I halfway expected that I'd have to go beg another schedule off the Spacebook drone.

I pushed my way through the crowd and took back my schedule. Just like he said, there was a pretty good drawing of the school on the back with all kinds of arrows and numbers. Roach timidly took back the schedule with a "May I?" look and started walking down the hall.

'I numbered the arrows to your classes. Arrow One takes you to your first class. Arrow Two, to your second…get it?'

'Yeah, I figured that one out, already. What I can't figure out is how you had time to draw all this and still pay attention in class.'

'I don't really need to listen in class. I've got a photographic memory. If that wasn't freakish enough, it' both auditory and visual. I can remember everything I've ever seen or heard with frightening accuracy. I shouldn't even be in high school, but my parents want me to have a "normal" life.'

I looked at Roach like he was…well, a roach.

'So, what you're saying is, you kinda hang out in school trying to be normal, but you'd rather be somewhere else?'

Then he looked at me like I was…well, a roach.

'Didn't you hear what I just said? Anyway, I gotta get to my next class.'

'Yeah, me too. I guess I'll see you later? Lunch, maybe?'

Evidently, no girl had _ever_ asked Roach to meet her for lunch. His face went pink and he tripped over his feet. 'Y-uuh-yeah, I guess…if you want to...I mean if you haven't made friends by then.'

Boy, if he only knew how hard I was trying _not_ to make friends. 'I don't think that'll be a problem. I'll see you at lunch.'

I spent my next two classes trying to figure out the best way to use Roach. That "Total Memory" thing could be useful. He probably knew everything I was supposed to be paying attention to in class. He could help me with my homework when things got "distracting" at home. Plus, hanging out with him would definitely make me a pariah. The less noticeable I was the better.

Using Roach's map, I found my way to the cafeteria for lunch. The smells were marginally better inside the caff than the rest of the school. Roach was waiting just inside the door. (Yep, not getting rid of this one any time soon.)

'Is the food edible at this school? The last two I went to had their own stomach pumps.'

'It's passable. The main line has the usual unidentifiable brown, grey, green and yellow food groups. The A-la-carte line has slightly spicier, still unidentifiable, brown, grey, green and yellow food groups, with some pink, blue and white stuff thrown in for dessert.'

I chose the slightly spicier line and filled my tray. Roach scurried behind with his food. As we walked through the room, I felt the eyes on me. Most looked and passed right by, dismissing me before they ever focused. A few kids looked at me with some interest and then went back to their conversations.

There were quite a few kids sitting alone or in pairs. Those were the ones I was interested in…The Loners. Roach picked a table near the back. He sat down and started quietly eating his food. I took a seat facing the room and picked at my plate. I was trying to figure out the best way to breach the subject of our fellow classmates. Thankfully, Roach beat me to it.

'See the kid in the F.O.B. shirt, a couple of tables over? His folks just got divorced. His mom moved to New Jersey with the family lawyer. His dad is a pilot and leaves him home alone all the time. Don't sit too close to him. He still hasn't figured out that he needs to shower and wash his clothes _every day._'

'Good to know. What about that girl with the purple hair? What's her damage?' I asked, as innocently as I could.

'Oh, her? She comes from that foster home over on 5th street. She's got, like, 15 "brothers & sisters" living with her. You wouldn't notice her, if she didn't change her hair color every other day.'

Roach went on about the kids around the caff until the bell rang. We got up and cleared our trays. As we walked to my next class, I asked Roach the most important question of his young life. 'Hey, you wanna hang out after school?'

This time Roach's face went deep maroon. I thought he was going to blow a gasket. Evidently, no girl had ever asked him to meet her for _anything._

'Hang out? With you?'

'No, with the other new kid that just started school and has no friends. Of course, with me. You got a problem hanging out with girls?'

'Hell no! It's just that no one ever wants to hang out with me. I think I kinda creep everyone out.'

'Well, it takes a lot to creep me out, believe me. You got a car?'

'Nope. I passed the driving test but I don't have enough scratch to get a car.'

'Scratch? Who the hell says "scratch" anymore?'

'I watch a lot of old movies. I got nothing better to do.'

'Whatever. Meet me at the Student parking lot after school. I earned enough "scratch" to get my own mobile piece of crap.'

'Cool! I hope you can drive better than you walk.' We both laughed as I walked into my next class.

My last two classes were as uneventful as I expected them to be. The loner kids Roach pointed out didn't share any of my classes. Another one in my favor. The less I was associated with them, the better.

I walked from my last class to the parking lot, sorta dragging my books behind me. Eventually, I would have to use my locker. Of course, with Roach's talents, I may never have to carry books again. Roach was standing off to the side of the lot, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. I walked up behind him and touched his shoulder. He damn near jumped out of his skin.

'Hey!' he shouted, whirling around. 'You scared the crap outta me. Are you always that sneaky?'

(Yes)

'No, are you always that jumpy?'

(Yes)

'No…I just thought you were gonna stand me up or something. Girls do that a lot around here.'

'Why would I do that? You're my only friend in this town. I don't have the luxury of throwing away friends…not yet, anyway.' (Never were truer words spoken.)

Roach followed me to my car. It was as non-descript as I was trying to be. Dad picked it up at a used car lot just over the state line. We'd paid cash and registered the car under my fake name. "No Loose Ends" should've been cross-stitched on pillows in our house.

We got in my car and waited for the lot to empty. Roach didn't ask me what I was doing; he had done the same thing in First Period. Once the lot was mostly empty, I pulled out and headed for home.

Roach fiddled with the radio, trying to find something would not make our ears bleed. (God, why can't Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift and Brittany Spears play a concert here? Mom _looooves_ dinner theatre.) He settled on some crappy rock station that boasted "5 MORE MINUTES OF ROCK THAN THOSE OTHER DUDES, EVERY HOUR!"

We rode in silence, listening to the radio. I didn't bother to take a winding, confusing route to my house. Roach would remember every turn and street name, if forced to. Roach looked around noting the crappy neighborhoods we were driving through.

'Hmm," Roach muttered.

'What?"

'I dunno. I just figured, with your clothes and your car, you would live in a better part of town, that's all.'

(Damn, this kid's observant!)

'Yeah, well, we needed a place to live, fast, so we didn't do much looking…Because of my mom's job transfer, I mean. With the economy being so bad, there were a lot of empty houses in this part of town. We got our place for a song. I've lived in worse places, believe me."

(I was babbling! I couldn't help it. I get this way when people notice too much.)

'You've lived worse places than this? Like where?'

Uhh… you know, places. Hey, look, here's my house!' (Whew, that was close. Gotta watch this kid!)

We pulled up in front of my house. Roach got out and started walking for the door. Then I remembered one crucial thing I forgot to do. _**I forgot to warn Dad we were having a guest over.**_ I hope Mom doesn't think we're "having" a guest over. That would really screw things up.

I scrambled to find my cell phone while Roach stopped on the sidewalk.

'Hey, you forgot your bag in my car!'

Roach turned around and started back from the house.

'I gotta call my dad real quick and make sure it's ok to bring a friend home. The house could be a mess. Hold on a sec.'

I called the house and heard the phone ring inside. Dad picked up on the second ring.

'Hey, Dad, I'm outside with a _friend_. Is it ok if we come in?'

Roach looked at me like I was crazy. 'Why can't you walk into your own house?'

'Shh! No, not you, Dad. I was talking to my friend."

Dad said Mom was having a good day, so we could come in. Thank goodness I called first. This could have been one of Mom's "Bad Days." The last time I took a "friend" home on one of Mom's "Bad Days"…well, that's kinda why we're here, now.

I went to use my key and the door opened. There, standing before me was my Mother. All 6 feet of her. Dad had put her hair in braids and had done her makeup. The Maui Jim sunglasses shaded her eyes nicely in the afternoon light. She had on a lovely blue sari with sequined slippers. In a word, she was "Perfection."

She sniffed the air and asked in her musical voice 'Are we having a guest for dinner?'


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

'Well, don't just stand there, Alice. Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?'

(Dammit! This is what I get when I forget to warn Dad ahead of time.)

'Uh…yeah…hey, Mom. This is….um…my friend, Roach. Roach, this is my mom.'

'Hey, Mrs. Well.'

'No need for formalities, Roach, call me Ellen.'

Roach went deep purple. I'm pretty sure all of the blood in is body rushed to his head. (The one on his shoulders, you pervs!) My mom has that affect on people. Well, that and total, abject fear.

'Definitely…Ellen! You can call me Roach…Oh, wait, you already did.'

(Double Dammit! Now _he's_ babbling like an idiot. Great!)

'Mom, are you gonna let us in the house or are we gonna have to eat on the porch?'

'Sorry, Alice. You know how rare it is I get outside.'

Roach looked kinda confused. I had to cover…quick.

'Mom's got a home office in the basement. She can spend days at time down there, if we let her.'

'Cool.'

I lead Roach through the living room to the kitchen. Dad was busy preparing some huge hunk of meat.

'I hope you guys like steak. There's a butcher across town where you can buy a whole cow, if you have the freezer space and the cash.'

(I don't think Roach would like what we keep in Mom's freezer. Oh, god, I hope dad doesn't mix up the steaks! EWWWW!)

'Steak's fine, Mr. Well.'

'Call me Chuck. I didn't catch your name.'

'Dad, this is Roach.'

Me and Roach sat down at the kitchen table and watched my Dad deftly cut the huge chunk of meat into smaller hunks of meat. He'd had enough practice cutting up dead flesh to make a quick job of it. He placed the steaks on a big green platter.

Then, he pulled another hunk of meat out of the fridge on a red platter. Ahh, Mom's dinner. There was twice as much meat on her platter. I gave dad "The Look." He pulled off the two largest steaks and placed them on a smaller red plate. He put the rest of the meat back in the fridge.

'Alice, Roach, can you help make the salad while I put the steaks on the grill?'

Roach gaped at the heaping piles of meat.

'Are you expecting someone else,' he asked innocently.

(No, we usually order Mom's dinner in.)

Dad called back over his shoulder 'No, just us four, if you can stay over, Roach.'

As Dad went out the back door, Mom sauntered into the kitchen. If Roach was thinking anything was odd with the meat, he immediately forgot it when he saw Mom. She sat down at the table with a deck of tarot cards.

I got up from my chair and started pulling salad fixins out of the fridge. Roach sat there and stared at my mom.

'Do you believe in the occult, Roach,' mom asked in her lilting way.

'Like, as in monsters, shirtless kids who wolf out and sparkly, whiny vampires? Nah, it's all Hollywood crap.'

'Too bad, I was going to offer to read your fortune. But, since it's all, how did you put it "Hollywood crap", I'll just put away my cards.'

(Damn, that woman's good!)

'No, wait! I….I want my fortune read. If we have time before dinner, that is."

Mom gave Roach the deck of cards. Roach stared at them like she'd just put a dead rat in his hand. (Believe me, I've seen that look before.)

'Shuffle the cards and then put them into three equal piles.'

Roach shuffled the cards and carefully split them into three piles, just like mom said. I could see a thin sheen of sweat start to form on his upper lip. You'd think the kid was handling nitro glycerin or something.

Mom quickly straightened the piles and began turning over cards.

'This first card represents you, Roach. Hmm, the Hermit, very interesting. The Hermit is someone who wants to be left alone. A solitary person."

(Duh! The kid practically shouts "Leave me alone! I'm a freak!")

'The second card represents your past. What brought you here.'

(A girl who needs a minion to help do the heavy lifting?)

'The Four of Cups. You have been feeling apathetic about life. Everything is stale, flat; life has lost its color."

'Wow, Mrs. Well…uh, I mean, Ellen. You really got me there. Everything in this town sucks.'

(I'm beginning to wonder if Mom stacked the deck. She's pretty good at it. Never play poker with the woman, trust me.)

'Thank you, Roach. This third card will represent your future. Where you go from here.'

(If he's lucky, college. If he's not so lucky, the morgue. If he's really unlucky….red plate number 2.)

'The Eight of Pinnacles. That's very interesting.'

'What does that one mean, Ellen,' Roach asked haltingly, his face going crimson at using my mom's first name.

'It means that you're ready to learn new things. Become a part of something special. I'm not talking about moving on to Calculus 2 or International History in school. You will soon be tasked in ways you never were before. You'll have to be cunning and quick. You'll have to think of all the angles and make sure you've missed nothing. If there are loose ends, you'll be the one to take care of them."

(Geez, Mom, lay it on a little thick, why don't you?)

'The last two cards will work in tandem. One represents your reason, the other, your potential.'

'Uh, o.k.'

Roach was starting to look like he was about to pass out. Mom better hook him soon.

'The Two of Cups. A very lucky card for you, Roach. You are meant to become friends with someone, almost like a marriage.'

Roach kinda looked at me out of the corner of his eye. The thin sheen of sweat was now in full on drip mode. I hate it when she does this crap.

'Marriage? I'm waay too young to get married, Mrs…..uh, I mean Ellen. I haven't even dated anyone.'

(No shiz, Sherlock. Why do you think I picked you?)

'It's just a symbol, Roach. You'll become very close with someone new in your life. Your final card is the Nine of Cups. This card means you'll reach your heart's desires.'

'You mean I'll get what I want?'

'In a manner of speaking, yes.'

'Wow, that was awesome! So, everything sucked, but now I'm going to do some really important stuff with someone. After I do whatever it is I'm supposed to do, I'll end up getting whatever it is I wanted when I was still a loser?'

'Again, in a manner of speaking, yes, Roach. You will go on a grand adventure and end up a different person because of it.' (Or, you'll end up as pot roast.)

'Coool. Hey, Alice, you still need help with the salad?'

(Damn, I forgot I was supposed to be pretending to be normal.)

'Yeah, if you're done with the hoodoo lady!' I said as lightly as possible.

Mom gave me a look that said "Back off, girl, we got this one" and got up to set the table.

Roach and I made the salad in silence. I'm sure Roach was thinking about his "reading." He kept bumping into me and "accidentally" touching my hands when he reached for stuff. Yup, we got him, alright. Now I gotta figure out what to do with him.

'Steaks are done! Who's hungry?'

That's Dad, always blissfully unaware of how awkward Mom makes my life.

'Roach, sit down and Alice will fix you a plate. You're a guest today. After that, you're on your own.'

(We wouldn't want him getting a "steak" from Mom's plate.)

'Yeah, Roach, have a seat. Mom and Dad have all kinds of weird rules. The first time you come over, you're a guest. After that, you're kinda like family. You get your own stuff and you clean up any messes you make.' (Or any messes Mom makes….)

'Family…cool.'

I quickly made a plate for Roach and set it in front of him. Mom took her plate and started to leave.

Roach looked confused. 'You're not eating with us, Ellen?'

(Ugh, I hope not. I don't care how many times I've seen it, I still want to puke.)

'No, Roach. I have some work that has to get done tonight. I'll join you guys for dessert, if you're still around.'

'Oh, that's cool.'

He looked disappointed. Not surprised, really, Mom has that affect on the guys I bring home. You'd think they'd notice something was…off…about her. But, NOOO, all they hear is her beautiful voice; all they see is her exotic grace as she moves around the house. Man, boys are stupid.

Me and Dad made small talk with Roach while we ate. Like I suspected, Roach is an only child. His folks both taught at the local Community College. He said they thought of themselves as "Progressive Parents." He lived in the guest house behind his parents' house.

'I can come and go as much as I want. As long as I keep my grades up and stay out of trouble, my folks don't really care what I do.'

(This just keeps getting better and better.)

'I guess it's because I'm so smart. They haven't had to "parent" me since I was about 10. I'm more like a boarder than a son.'

'Hey, Dad! Mom read Roach's fortune with her Tarot cards. It was pretty cool.'

'She didn't freak you out, did she, son?' Dad asked as innocently as he could. Damn he's good.

'No, sir. It was really cool. I don't really believe in all that occult stuff, but I kinda liked it.'

(Oh, you'll believe in all kinds of weird crap soon enough, kid.)

'Great! Well, let's clear these plates, Alice. You know how your mom hates a mess.'

(Or the constant reminder that she can't do normal stuff with the family.)

'I'll help, Mr. Well…I mean, Chuck.'

'No need. Remember, today, you're a guest. Next time cleanup is on you kids, ok?'

'Yeah, sure, Chuck!'

'You can look around while we're cleaning up, Roach. We're still unpacking, so watch the boxes.'

I looked at Dad like he'd just offered the kid a crack pipe. Look around? I hope to hell he "secured" the house. Mom can be kinda single minded when she's eating.

After about five minutes I didn't hear any blood curdling screams, so I assumed everything was kosher. Roach wandered back into the kitchen and sat down.

'You guys were lucky to get such a nice house in this part of town. You probably got it so cheap because of the weird decorating.'

I gave him my best "What you talkin' bout, Roach?" look.

'Uh, well, all the rooms have linoleum on the floor and weird ceramic on the walls. Whoever owned this house before you must have been OCD about cleaning.'

(Man, this kid is WAAAAY too observant!)

'I don't know, Roach, I think it gives the house character. What do you think, Alice?'

'Yup, character, echoes, whatever.'

Roach laughed. 'I bet it would be fun sliding around in socks.'

(Much more fun than sliding around in pools of blood. Ugh.)

'Who's sliding around in socks,' Mom asked as she entered the kitchen.

'I guess me and Roach will be, some day.'

'That sounds like fun. Let me know when you guys decide to slide. I'll teach you the "Mom glide"' Mom said with a smile.

'You're a poet and don't know it, Ellen," Roach said with a sly smile.

'Ok, that's enough,' I said, 'Who's ready for dessert?'

'I'd love to, but I gotta get home. Mom and Dad like me to check in every now and then to make sure I'm alive.'

(Good to know.)

'Ok, I'll drive you. I'll be back soon, guys. Save some for me.'

Mom looked at me and said, 'You want some of mine or Dad's?' Ugh! I hate it when she jokes like that. Makes me wanna hurl.

'Never mind, I'll pick up some Klondike bars on the way back.'

'Ok, but you don't know what you're missing,' she said slyly.

Let's hope I never have to find out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

We drove in silence for a while. I kinda knew the area where Roach lived, so I drove in that general direction. I could tell we were coming out of the "lowlands." The yards were a little less scraggly and people actually came out of their houses.

'So, your folks seem pretty cool.'

(Yeah, Mom can be downright cold.)

'They're ok, I guess. I mean, as far as parents go.'

'What do they do for a living?'

(Gee, Mom eats people and Dad cleans up the mess.)

'Mom does something with computers. I never can figure out what the heck it is. She freelances or something. Dad is a writer; horror stuff, mostly.'

(Drawn from real life experiences.)

'Cool. Take a left here. Have I read any of his stuff?'

'Maybe. He writes under a pseudonym. I'd tell you what it is, but then I'd have to kill you.'

(Or show you Mom's "office.")

'Funny. Ok, so he likes to keep a low profile. I get that.'

(Oh, I seriously doubt that.)

'Take a right at the second light. So your mom's job makes you guys move around a lot?'

(Job, hobby, way of living…whatever)

'Yep. It sucks, most of the time. I've lost count of the number of schools I've been to.'

(15 since I was 15.)

'Can't she just work from home and telecommute?'

(Once again, waaay to perceptive.)

'Don't know. Every time I asked as I was packing my boxes I got the "We're the grown-ups and know what's best for you" look. So I stopped asking.'

'Sorry, I didn't know this was a sore subject.'

'No worries.'

'So, what brought you here? I mean, I know it was your mom's job, but why this town. You're, like, two miles from Nowhere.'

(Uh, oh, I feel a squiggly lined flashback coming on….)

4 B.Z.  
(4 Years Before Zombie)

"_Samantha Alice Smith! I want your stupid ass down here in three minutes! Don't test me, girl! I will knock you into last week and make you live it over again!"_

"_I'm comin', Mama! I can't find my shoe."_

"_Well, if your lazy ass wouldn't leave your shit all over the place, you'd be able to find it! You got two minutes!"_

"_Ellen, why do you yell at that girl like that? You know she's trying."_

"_Chuck, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."_

"_I found it, Mama, I'll be down in a minute."_

"_Good, because a minute's all you got. Damn!"_

Now

'I'm sorry, what were you saying, Roach?'

'I asked you why you moved here. There's gotta be better places for your mom to work, right?'

'Yeah, but she hates big cities. She says they feel too unnatural.'

(And she would know unnatural.)

'Well we got plenty of nature here. Nothing but trees, farms and livestock.'

I could see just what he meant. As we drove, I noticed the houses were wider apart and way back from the road. There were even those cheesy "fat old lady bending over" wood things in some of the yards.

'Why did your folks move here, Roach?'

'Like I said in school, my folks wanted me to have a "normal" life. They figured small town living could do that. They were both city kids, so they obviously got their information on "normal" from sitcoms and comic books. Why didn't they just tattoo "freak" on my forehead?'

'You can't hate them for trying. I know my folks want the same for me. They'd give anything for me to have a "normal" life, too.'

(Anything, but chopping my mom in to little pieces, burning the remains, dousing the ashes in holy water and scattering the whole mess on hallowed ground.)

'Wow, sounds like we're both Hermits."

'Yeah, but I'm a Hermit by circumstance, not by choice.'

Ahh, now comes the awkward silence.

'My house is the third one on the right. The big blue one.'

We pulled up to Roach's house. The neighborhood really was "the other side of the tracks." All of the lawns were green and well tended. There were no cars parked on the street (or up on blocks, like in my neighborhood). On the outside it looked like a picture perfect home, just like the one we used to have.

3 B.Z.

"_Ellen, if you don't stop beating that child, someone's going to call Child Protective Services."_

"_If she did what she was supposed to do, I wouldn't have to beat her."_

"_I'm sorry, Mama. I was only three minutes late…"_

_SLAP!_

"_Girl, if you talk back one more time, I will put the fear of God in you with this belt."_

"_Yes ma'am."_

"_Now you get in there and do those dishes. If I find one speck of food, there'll be hell to pay. You hear me?"_

"_Yes ma'am."_

Now

'Nice place.'

'That's what they tell me. You wanna come in and meet the 'rents?'

'Oh, I guess; if you think they won't mind.'

'Mind? I'm pretty sure they'll throw a party. I usually don't bring…well, anyone home, let alone a girl.'

'Don't think I'm trying to be rude, but, are they gonna freak because I'm black?'

'You could be purple with pink spots, and they'd still be happy I'm bringing a girl home to meet them.'

(Yup, this one's a keeper…so to speak.)

'Cool.'

We walked up the stone path and Roach unlocked the door.

'Mom? Dad? Anyone here?'

'We're in the back, Roach!'

'C'mon, they're praying at the digital alter…what you might call television.'

As we walked through his house he pointed out parts of the house. Front room, Formal Living room, Formal Dining Room, Dining Room, Living room…I lost count of the rooms. We finally came to the Family room. The house was pretty big for someone who only had one kid. And that kid didn't even technically live with them. Man, I thought our family was weird.

'Mom, Dad, this is Alice. She just started today at my school. Alice, this is Fred and Ethel. And, yes, they get the joke.'

'Very nice to meet both of you.'

'Oh, Roach! She's so pretty! Come sit by me, Alice.'

'Mom! God! You wonder why I never bring anyone home!'

(Here comes that wonderful shade of purple, again.)

'Well, son, honestly we would've been happy if you brought a guy home.'

'DAD! Geez! C'mon, Alice, let's get out of here before mom starts picking out china patterns for our wedding gift.'

'Too, late, Roach. I had those picked out when you were 10.'

'MOM!'

Roach dragged me through the back of the house and out the back door. There was path winding through the back yard to a small cottage. It was the same shade of blue as the main house…main house. Man! Roach unlocked the front door and held it open for me.

'Ladies first.'

I mumbled "thanks" and walked in. Surprisingly, it was very clean. There wasn't much to the place. A living room/dining room, small kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. It must have been one of those in-law houses. There were bookshelves covering every inch of the walls.

'Like books much?'

'Ha Ha, very funny.'

'You don't have a television.'

'You don't either.'

(Man, this kid is WAY too observant!)

'Yeah, well, my mom thinks television is a distraction,' I said as nonchalantly as possible. The real reason we didn't have a television is because it sometimes set mom off. We didn't always know what would set mom off, but radio and television seemed to be two things that always did. Probably because it reminded her of "before."

'I agree with your mom. When I was real little my folks used to put me in front of the "electric babysitter" for hours at a time. This was before they knew about my "affliction." I would watch TV for hours on end. Then, in my room, I would regurgitate every line from every show I'd watched that day...or the day before that…or the week before that. It got so bad that I wouldn't even speak in normal sentences. I would use lines from the TV shows I'd watched. My folks finally figured it out when I started speaking like Stewie from Family Guy.'

'Wow, what did they do then?'

'I got a bunch of tests done. At first, they thought I was autistic. Then, they thought I was a savant. Finally, after a bunch more tests, they figured out I was "special." They didn't say I couldn't watch TV any more. But suddenly, all of the channels had a parent lock on it.'

'Huh, I guess you don't need TiVo, do you?'

Roach stood there for a couple of seconds and then busted out laughing.

'Tivo! That's classic! I thought I'd heard it all…literally. You're pretty funny, Alice.'

'Thanks, I think.'

'So, now you know my sorry tale, for the most part. A freak who's too young for college, yet too smart for high school.'

'I don't get it, Roach. Why won't your parents let you go to college? You'll be there in two years, anyway.'

'Because I just turned 14, that's why. I'm big for my age.'

(OH. CRAP.)

'Wait…FOURTEEN? I thought you said you passed your driver's test!'

'Yeah, I lied about that.'

'Well…wow. Uh, I gotta go.'

'Ah, man, I knew I shouldn't have told you my age.' Roach looked like he was going to start crying.

'Roach, it's not your age. I really gotta go. It's my first day of school and I got a ton of crap to catch up on.'

'I can help you with that. If you bring your books over tomorrow, I can scan them and tell you the answers to your homework.'

'Thanks, Roach. But I have to read it for myself. How else am I gonna learn?'

Roach's face crumpled.

'But, hey, I'll need a study buddy for tests and stuff. Right?'

Roach immediately did a 180. 'Yeah! I can totally help you study. We could do it here, or at your house.'

'NO! Not my house! Uh… I mean, we're still trying to settle in. I don't want to distract my mom and dad while they figure out our new routine.'

(The first few weeks are always the hardest for Mom. No sense tempting her with fresh meat. Learned that at school # 3.)

'That's cool, Alice, we can study here.'

'Cool. Well, I really do have to go. I'll see you tomorrow?'

'Yeah! Definitely!'


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

As I drove back home, I thought about how I could use Roach for "the cause." Through much trial and error, I found out that showing someone Mom's "true nature" right away usually doesn't work. Except for that one time…

'Anyway,' I said to myself, 'I'll talk to Dad about Roach when I get home. Maybe we could include Mom this time…no, wait, that crap sometimes it made her very upset. Like, "bite your head off" upset. Damn her condition!

'Her "condition." It still pisses me off. Not that my life was a bowl of cherries before. At least I was able to have friends and a life. I even almost had a boyfriend.'

1 B.Z.

"_Jesus, Ellen, did you have to hit her so hard?"_

"_Chuck, if you don't shut your mouth right now, you'll need an ambulance, too. Now help me get her to the bottom of the stairs."_

"_Mama, please don't move me. It hurts."_

"_Girl, it's talk like that that got you in trouble in the first place. Now shut up and move."_

'_Yes, ma'am."_

Now

Yeah, she almost killed me a couple of times, but that was different. I could've run away. I could've called the cops. I could've moved in with my "almost" boyfriend.

12 Minutes B.Z.

"_Chuck, you know I hate taking the subway. Stupid people herding like cows into cattle cars. The smells, the sounds, all that crowding. It's just nasty."_

"_Well, Ellen, you didn't want to take a cab because you hate how the cabbies drive. You didn't want to walk because you didn't have on the right shoes. You absolutely refuse to take the bus, because only 'poor people' take the bus. So, we take the subway. Alice doesn't seem to mind, do you?"_

"_Dad, I could care less how we get there. Mom, I'll do whatever you say."_

"_Damn straight you will, if you know what's good for you."_

"_Yes, ma'am"_

"_Charles, will you look at that fool over there trying to take donations? Who tries to get donations on a subway platform? Oh, hell, she's coming over here. Don't look at her and maybe she'll go away."_

Now

Who the hell knew zombies existed? Obviously, a lot of people. We're talking bigger than Area 51 or the Second Gunman. Dad says the government has to be involved somehow. He thinks they've been experimenting with drugs from Haiti or something.

All I know is the zombie that bit Mom was very civil. She just must have been having a really bad day.

3 Minutes B.Z.

"_Hello, my name is Kimberly. I'm collecting for the Underprivileged Youth of America fund. We're an organization that…."_

"_Lady, save that for someone who gives a crap, because I could care less."_

"_Ma'am, if I could just have a moment of your time to explain how we can help the youth of our nation. I'm sure you'd…"_

"_I'm sure that I'm about to stick my size 10 somewhere unpleasant. Now, kick rocks!"_

"_Ellen, you don't have to be rude. I'm sorry for her behavior, miss. She's having a bad day."_

"_Don't you apologize for me. I meant every word I said. Lady, you got 30 seconds to get out of my face!"_

"_Ma'am, I've been having more than a bad day. I've been down here for eight hours speaking to rude, obnoxious people like you. I haven't eaten, I haven't taken a break. Now, all I ask is that you give a dollar, 50 cents…a nickel. I don't care. Just show some compassion."_

"_That's it! Chuck, hold my purse. I'm about to become the chief of the 'Slap-a-ho' tribe!"_

"_Ellen, that's enough! Lady, I'm really sorr….what are you doing? Stop that! Hey! Get off my wife! She's biting her! Stop!"_

"_Mama! Mama!"_

"_Get this crazy chick offa me! Damn!"_

Now

I'd gathered bits and pieces from the internet about zombies. I'd even gone to the library to look at books. (Totally old school, but it worked.) All the stories were crap. They were all "Flesh eating monster" this and "Brain dead, drooling, shambling" that. No one really had a clue what a zombie was like. Maybe someone did, but they sure weren't sharing.

One thing that a lot of the stories (and movies) did get right was the speed of transformation. It's quick. Really quick. I'm talking minutes.

1 Minute A.Z.  
(After Zombie)

"_That crazy woman bit me! Someone get the police. Someone get my lawyer! I'm gonna sue her, her stupid fund, every damn body!"_

"_Ellen, calm down. I've called 911. The police should be here soon. I've also asked for an ambulance."_

"_Are you ok, Mama? Here's a tissue. You're bleeding."_

"_Of course I'm bleeding! That damn fool bit me! Who the hell bites someone? Crazy people, that's who!"_

"_She looked ok to me, Mama. Just tired."_

"_Tired people don't bite other people, girl! Oh….I don't feel so good….I'm chilly….did someone turn on the air?"_

"_Mama? Daddy, catch her, she's falling! Someone help!"_

"_Ellen? Just lie down until the ambulance arrives."_

"_Daddy, where's that lady who bit Mama?"_

"_I can't worry about her, right now. Something's wrong with your Mom."_

"_So…thirsty…"_

"_Here, Mama, have a drink of my water."_

"_Thank you, sweetheart. You're so thoughtful."_

"…_..uh, thanks?"_

"_Charles, would you be so kind as to put your coat under my head? This concrete is really hard."_

"_Sure…..Ellen…..here you go."_

"_Thank you, Charles. I don't know what I would have done if you two hadn't been here to take care of me."_

"_Daddy, there is something __seriously__ wrong with Mom."_

"_I know, sweetheart."_

"_I can hear you both, you know. Of course there's something wrong with me. Some street person just bit me. Poor thing probably hasn't eaten in a week. Charles, if we see her again, please give her $20. That'll get her some food."_

"_Sure…I'll do that. You're not mad?" _

"_Why would I be mad, Charles? Yes, I'm upset that this happened, but mad? No."_

"_Daddy…."_

"_I know, Sam."_

"_I'm so hungry….I feel like I could eat a whole cow…raw."_

"_Daddy…"_

"_I know, Sam!"_

"_Sam, what's that perfume you're wearing? It smells wonderful. Come closer…"_

"_DADDY!"_


End file.
